Bittersweet.

Today was a bittersweet day ~ the last day of school for Year 11 (10th Grade?) because we go on study leave to revise for our national exams. I laughed, I tried to stop myself crying but gave in in the end, I must have smiled for a thousand pictures, hugged many friends more than once, ate cake and homemade biscuits and remembered.

In German we gave our absolutely and utterly lovely teacher (words cannot explain how lovely she is) a card signed by all of us. She is leaving and I am going to miss her more than words can say. Of course, she'll keep in touch but it won't be the same. She burst into tears when she read my comment, "When I become a teacher, I hope I can be a nice a one as you." But it's true, she is the sweetest woman in the entire world and I will never forget all that she has taught me. We sat outside in the school grounds eating cakes and strawberries and reminiscing and it was just that; bittersweet. With the birds singing in the background and the sounds of giggles and laughter and chattering all around and our sweet teacher telling us how much she would miss us all, I never ceased smiling. I felt as if I had found a stillness deep inside my soul, a place of happiness and joy. Minutes later as we bade farewell to our teacher and I walked to my next lesson alone I was close to tears; so sad that this would be our last day as a form and a class and our last day with many teachers and students...yet I realised in that very moment that I could draw upon that place of joy within me when feeling blue, and that is why I need to inhale and live to their fullest the best moments in my life...so I can live them through again when I need to.

"Form-time", as it as affectionately called in our class, was another emotional affair. We were meant to write down our memories of the five years as a class (next year at school we are split up and quite a few people leave to go to Sixth Form Colleges - but not me!) and we did so quickly; then went outside and sat on the wall as a form ... just as we had in the very same place exactly four years before. Our teacher took a picture. The picture taken by another professor four years ago hangs on my wall. I am on the left with my head tilted to the side, blowing in the wind, my tights filled with holes as usual and my laces untied and mad. Today, as I sat on the wall, I realised that I have not changed. Nor do I want to. I was filled with an irrepressible happiness that I am ME. Nobody can change that. I am still an optimist, as I was when I was 12. I still walk around school with holes in my tights. I still skip through the corridors. I am still clumsy as ever. I remain scared of needles. I still have blonde curly hair. I still bite my nails. And I still pose in my pictures with my head titled to the side. It was in that second sitting on the wall next to the people I have shared problems and successes and sadness with for five years that it dawned on me: my circumstances, my friends, my place of study/work, my life as a whole may change but I will always be Lulu. I hope I always retain my integrity and love for life. And if I don't, well, tell me...okay?! :)