Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Bittersweet.

Today was a bittersweet day ~ the last day of school for Year 11 (10th Grade?) because we go on study leave to revise for our national exams. I laughed, I tried to stop myself crying but gave in in the end, I must have smiled for a thousand pictures, hugged many friends more than once, ate cake and homemade biscuits and remembered.

In German we gave our absolutely and utterly lovely teacher (words cannot explain how lovely she is) a card signed by all of us. She is leaving and I am going to miss her more than words can say. Of course, she'll keep in touch but it won't be the same. She burst into tears when she read my comment, "When I become a teacher, I hope I can be a nice a one as you." But it's true, she is the sweetest woman in the entire world and I will never forget all that she has taught me. We sat outside in the school grounds eating cakes and strawberries and reminiscing and it was just that; bittersweet. With the birds singing in the background and the sounds of giggles and laughter and chattering all around and our sweet teacher telling us how much she would miss us all, I never ceased smiling. I felt as if I had found a stillness deep inside my soul, a place of happiness and joy. Minutes later as we bade farewell to our teacher and I walked to my next lesson alone I was close to tears; so sad that this would be our last day as a form and a class and our last day with many teachers and students...yet I realised in that very moment that I could draw upon that place of joy within me when feeling blue, and that is why I need to inhale and live to their fullest the best moments in my life...so I can live them through again when I need to.

"Form-time", as it as affectionately called in our class, was another emotional affair. We were meant to write down our memories of the five years as a class (next year at school we are split up and quite a few people leave to go to Sixth Form Colleges - but not me!) and we did so quickly; then went outside and sat on the wall as a form ... just as we had in the very same place exactly four years before. Our teacher took a picture. The picture taken by another professor four years ago hangs on my wall. I am on the left with my head tilted to the side, blowing in the wind, my tights filled with holes as usual and my laces untied and mad. Today, as I sat on the wall, I realised that I have not changed. Nor do I want to. I was filled with an irrepressible happiness that I am ME. Nobody can change that. I am still an optimist, as I was when I was 12. I still walk around school with holes in my tights. I still skip through the corridors. I am still clumsy as ever. I remain scared of needles. I still have blonde curly hair. I still bite my nails. And I still pose in my pictures with my head titled to the side. It was in that second sitting on the wall next to the people I have shared problems and successes and sadness with for five years that it dawned on me: my circumstances, my friends, my place of study/work, my life as a whole may change but I will always be Lulu. I hope I always retain my integrity and love for life. And if I don't, well, tell me...okay?! :)

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17 Comments:

Blogger Lottie said...

Incredibly beautiful words Lulu, thanks for sharing them. I'm glad you enjoyed your last proper day at school.. try and hold the memories close, I've forgotten mine :(

Having said that, I can still recall my last day of exams at 6th Form after doing my A-Levels... what a gorgeous memory and feeling of total freedom that was!

6:45 pm, May 02, 2007  
Blogger Julie said...

Wow, you must really love it there, i don't havwe fond memories of my HS days lol. Lovely pictures, so Lulu!

6:47 pm, May 02, 2007  
Blogger Lulu said...

Thanks Lottie...I will treasure them forever, the memories.

Julie, I do, I do. It's a girls independent school and the atmosphere is positively wonderful. I wish I could stay forever sometimes. :)
I giggled at the "So Lulu!" part. :)

7:09 pm, May 02, 2007  
Blogger Katelyn said...

what is sixth form college and why arent you going

10:59 pm, May 02, 2007  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Oh, leaving one school year is bittersweet, but it will get easier over time. Your story was very beautiful and touching, you are you Lulu and thats all that matters. As long as you love yourself thats all the matters in the end, and all of us love you too lulu!

11:02 pm, May 02, 2007  
Blogger Ellen said...

Beautiful words, Lulu. I remember these feelings well, and the bitter still lingers. The sweet grows though, and it's fun discovering new types of sweet.

Your school sounds like my old one. I still miss it, but the memories are great.

I LOVE these photos, especially that second one. Beautiful!

2:12 am, May 03, 2007  
Blogger Robyn said...

Again beautiful words and images. And I can assure you life just keeps getting better and better. You will probably always look back at these days with fond memories but you have many many years to create new happy memories.

2:29 am, May 03, 2007  
Blogger Lulu said...

Thank you Robyn, Jennifer and Ellen. Your words are comforting. I am excited to be moving on to new things but sad too.

Katelyn, in England, you go to secondary school at age 11. At 16, at the same school, you do national exams in 9-11 subjects (I'm doing 10.) Some schools have a sixth form so you can stay on, others don't and you have to move onto a Sixth Form College to do your A-Levels (national exams taken at age 18). Our school has a 6th form so I am going to that - some people are moving to Sixth Form Colleges elsewhere but most are staying at our school.

8:24 am, May 03, 2007  
Blogger Kim said...

Lulu you have a wonderful way with words. Your post brought me back to my school days as well - though I don't remember all of it quite so fondly.
I hope that my daughters (I have three of them) will have as wonderful an experience as you have had.
I love your blog and your photos totally rock! :)

12:16 pm, May 03, 2007  
Anonymous Hannah. said...

Lulu, you will never ever lose your integrity. Not ever. You are so wise and so sweet and you are full of honesty about the truths of life. You are kind and selfless and you possess more knowledge and wisdom and talent that many of us could hope to gain in a lifetime. You are a true gem in such a complicated world. You will be in a history book one day...as the Girl Who Gave.

Never change.

12:16 pm, May 03, 2007  
Anonymous Sarah MacDougal said...

Your words are the sweet song of a young girl full of love for life and honesty.

"I was filled with irrepressible joy" made me want to cry, for I have never felt this. Of course, I have been happy but I have never felt as joyful as you seem to daily. But, Lulu, I must thank you because your teaching me to be so. You are teaching me to love life and to appreciate every moment.

You are only 16 but you have the wisdom to be much older. Everyone ought to have a Lulu in their life.

- Sarah.

12:21 pm, May 03, 2007  
Blogger mindy~ree said...

I agree with Sarah "everyone ought to have a Lulu in their life"....

that is so true! You are such an ispiration!!! I love reading your words, your thoughts, your view on life! Your photos are beautiful! I have been eyeing some flowers like that for my own photo of the day, but just never got over there with my camera...now every time I see them on my way home from work, I don't think I need to take a picture of them for myself...I just see your photo in my mind and think of you! So I think of you every day on my way home from work!! :)

Thank you for writing your thoughts and sharing your feelings with the world!!!

1:24 pm, May 03, 2007  
Blogger Debb said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again.... You ARE a breath of fresh air!

5:36 pm, May 03, 2007  
Blogger the ubiquitous BLOG said...

Beautiful as usual!

9:04 pm, May 03, 2007  
Blogger stacey said...

Lulu
You really do make the world a better place to be:)
I love to stop by & read your happy thoughts.
~Stacey

5:56 am, May 04, 2007  
Blogger Christie said...

i really took my time reading this blog entry. lulu, how bittersweet indeed! i wanted to cry. i could see you at your school, hugging, crying and laughing. what wonderful memories you must have... and you will always have them.

i didn't quite love my high school when i was your age but i do remember fondly some teachers and friends. you are very blessed. :)

7:52 am, May 04, 2007  
Blogger Amy (3 Peas) said...

Oh Lulu I LOVED your words :) They bought a huge smile to my face! I have similiar memories of the end of my freshman year (age 15) before we all headed off to different high schools. I remember sitting in the sun with my friends and just wanting to NEVER forget it- and 20yrs later I haven't! :) Your post brought it all back to me :)

6:18 am, May 07, 2007  

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